Lifeless Boulder

Sage Auntie,

Behold!
Cold Distant Rigid Lifeless Boulder
Standing amidst an Ocean
Of Relentlessly Gentle Waves of Compassion
Perceiving its own cold distance, rigidly lifeless
Immune to the cleansing
Oblivious to the care you show me, auntie

Nothing feels right
Nothing feels beautiful, good, or worthy of love or gratitude
Nothing feels
This cold distant rigid lifeless boulder that is my heart
Feels Nothing
Reacts to Nothing
Even when sage auntie
                  tells a good story
                  tells me of beauty she sees
                  shines her warmth upon me
                  giving me unconditional space

I feel nothing

I feel nothing
I dream of nothing
I hope for nothing
I see no beauty
I see no way out

Wait
Is that a crack I hear?
Is that my heart breaking for me?
Is that boulder getting closer, warmer?
No
Not really
Wouldn’t that be nice
If simply being with sage auntie was enough
If simply being seen and loved and engulfed with warmth and space was enough

But rest has found me
And poetry has found me
After a months-long drought
I had lost all hope of words finding me
And this boulder is moving
And I am here
I’ve always been here
It's just that here, right now, happens to be…

A Cold Distant Rigid Lifeless Boulder

Well maybe not so lifeless
Maybe not so rigid
Maybe not so distant
Maybe not so cold

Sage Auntie
Behold!
Perception is at hand
Surprise is at hand
Liberation is at hand

There are no words needed
No poetry needed
No imagery
No dreams
No purpose
No hope
No beauty needed
Not that I do not want words, poetry, imagery, dreams, purpose, hope, or beauty
I do

But also
No cold needed
No rigidity needed
No distance
No lifelessness needed
Not that I seek the cold, the rigid, the distant, the lifeless
I don’t

Because the fresh scent of Freedom
Where Presence meets Suffering
Freedom is at Hand

Deepest Gratitude

Sage Auntie